((OS)) Let Go

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Sep 15, 2016

((OS)) Let Go (By Taanihalai) (Thanked: 47 times)

Did you ever walk into a room that’s packed with people, and felt so lonely you could hardly take the next step?

Sometimes I think the human heart is just a simple shelf. There is only so much you can pile onto it before something falls of and you’re left to pick up the pieces.

As I sit in front of all my fans, or let me call them as the people who loved the girl who never loved me. The people who loved each and every word of the book I had written about her, the only thing I can feel is pain.

It hurts to know that even after having written so much, all I could see was happiness and curiosity, I couldn’t see the pain I was searching for, the pain I had seen in her eyes years back and it hurts me to know that there’s a lot we are unknown to, or maybe we pretend to be unknown to.

I look around the hall, it’s packed with hundreds of people and it’s the first time when I understand how lonely she must have felt. How she must have coped up with so much loneliness around a thousand of people.

The locomotion around the room comes to a rest and after so many announcements, the event finally begins.

There are hundreds of reporters surrounding the stage, half of them are staring at me and it makes me quite uncomfortable, I fear they’d read what I have in my eyes.

“Mr. Raizada, I believe it’s the first book you’ve written and getting such a great response for it must be like a dream come true for you. Everywhere you go, you find people talking about the book, how does it make you feel?” A journalist asks

I look at her plainly because I really don’t have an answer for her question. I never wrote for fame, I never wrote so that people would love the book, the only reason I ever wrote was because I dint want the world to see another Khushi… I dint want the world to see just another girl who kept on fighting herself to make others happy but what she forgot to do was find happiness for herself.

“Maybe I could answer your question with a question. How many of us have tried to forget something traumatic only to find it printed on the back of our eyelids, tattooed on our tongues? This story is something like that, I always tried to forget about it, but what I did instead was to put it down on a paper, and believe me, it makes me feel nothing but numb.”

“I read the book two days back, and I couldn’t put it back until I finished reading it in a go, and you know the first thing I thought of it after I finished reading it was how could a man understand a woman’s pain and capture it so beautifully in words that it no more felt like pain?

Mr. Raizada believe it or not, but a lot of rumors have it that this isn’t just some sort of imagination, a person can’t write with so much feel without going through it. Is this story anyhow related to you or your experiences?”

“Why call it a rumor? It’s not a rumor, it’s the truth. It is true that this story isn’t my imagination, it is true that this story doesn’t belong to me, all I did was to write it down. This story wasn’t just a mere imagination, it was about this girl, Khushi… the girl who never knew she was worth much more.”

“Your character’s name in the book is Khushi… is it her real name? What is the story, would you like to tell it to us? I know we all have read the book, but maybe we would understand it better by listening about it from you.”

“Yes Khushi is her real name and I dint want to change the name in the book, because she was a fighter and people should know about her… she fought… so much until she had no more strength left to fight herself.

I met her five years back, I was attending my friend’s reception and I remember very well even now, the first time I saw her, she was walking in all alone, she looked around the hall and at all the people, her eyes kept on searching for something I couldn’t figure out for quite some while, and I kept on staring at her until she walked into a corner and stood there all alone.

I don’t know what it was about her, unlike every beautiful love story it wasn’t her beauty which attracted me towards her, that doesn’t mean she wasn’t beautiful. I believe every woman is like a flower, some are roses, some are lilies and they all are beautiful in their own ways… it was something about her eyes, surrounded by all this people she stood in a corner with her sad eyes. I was curious, because as far as I had seen life, I knew how much fun it was attending such parties, and getting to know each other, but she seemed scared, she just stood in a corner and a man finally walked towards her.

You know when she looked at him, all I could notice was the fear she had, at that time I had no idea who the man was to her, but all I could notice was that she was scared to death of him.

 

Flashbacks…

Arnav walked towards where she was standing but yet made sure to maintain some distance.

“Why are you always up to embarrassing me Khushi? Is it that you want to show people that your husband lacks enough money to buy you a good dress? Or is it that by standing stupidly here in this corner you want to show people that I don’t give you time?

Learn something, it’s not a must to always put on those few clothes you have to every event we attend. I have a good image around people and I wouldn’t let you spoil it at any cost.

You better disappear from here before anyone sees you in your ninety year old dress, I’ll deal with you when I get home”

He walked away angrily while Khushi stood there still. She looked at her dress and before she could break down, she rushed outside.

Flashback ends…

“I followed her outside that night, and tried to talk to her but she was scared that if her husband saw me with her, it wouldn’t be good for their relationship.

She went away but I was left with so many questions in my mind. Isn’t it so weird how much we humans can control other human and that too for what reason? Because they love us and they try all they can to see us happy?

That wasn’t the first and last time I met her like I thought, I don’t know if it was fate or just coincidence but after that night I kept on meeting her at random places and believe me for all those times I met her, I could see how happy she was and what a beautiful smile she had, but that happiness never touched her eyes.

It took time until we became friends and until she finally trusted me, but all between that, I never realized that before we became friends, I had already fallen for her.

I realized much later that I was in love with a girl who was already married but I never regretted it, we don’t have control on who we fall in love with, but we have control on if we want to let them know.

Khushi had been a good friend, she had started trusting me, and I thought it wasn’t really right confessing my feelings to her when she was married, although not happily married. So I decided to stay silent.

If there’s only thing I regret today, is that I never told her that I loved her, because now I wish I had told her that I loved her then maybe she could see her worth.”

 

Flashbacks.

Arnav was just about to knock at the door of Khushi’s apartment when he heard some sort of noise. He could hear the voice of Khushi’s husband and it was clearly stating that he was shouting at her and making her feel unworthy once again.

He had known Khushi for two years now, and she had always told him to stay out of her personal matters but today this was becoming worse, and he dint think he could keep silent anymore.

He pushed the door and walked inside just when Khushi fell in front of him. Everything went silent after that. Her husband stared at Arnav for quite some while as he helped Khushi stand up.

“You need to give me answers about this man when I come back” he said as he fumed out of the house angrily.

“He hit you?” Arnav asked trying to put some control on his anger because he knew if he lost it, he could follow that man right away and beat him up.

“Arnav we were just arguing and…”

“And what Khushi? How long will you justify his actions? How long will you hide his violence?”

“It’s the first time, trust me, he’s never been violent before, today he just lost his anger and pushed me, that’s it… he dint hit me. He can’t hit me Arnav, he loves me a lot, he just lost his anger and I’m sure he’d say sorry… he always does say sorry even when we argue and he shouts at me.”

“Khushi are you trying to lie to me or to yourself? I agree this is the first time he must have pushed you but that doesn’t mean he hasn’t been violent. Violence isn’t only hitting, it’s much more and as far as I’ve known, he’s been emotionally violent to you, he’s been abusing you verbally and you think all that is not violence?

He’s been psychologically violent to you, and don’t tell me hasn’t been I’ve seen him trying to control you… I’ve seen the fear you have when you are with him, and if you still think you’ll convince me he’s not violent, then you are wrong and you need to open up your eyes and leave this man before he does something worse.”

“I can’t leave him Arnav… he loves me and I love him too… he’s my husband and after marriage we do have to compromise”

“But what you’re doing isn’t compromise Khushi and honestly speaking you are just weak, you don’t want to leave him wondering what you’ll do alone for the rest of your life. You know what, I think this is the last time I’m seeing you, because if I can’t convince you to leave that man, I can’t see you letting him abuse you like that either.”

Flashback Ends…

 

I stare at everyone in the room and they are all silent, I don’t know if they agree with me or not, but I can see the pain, I finally feel relaxed to see them feel the pain I had wished to see when the event began, because everyone should feel the pain and everyone should understand that any kind of abuse isn’t right.

“Was that the last time you met Khushi?”

“No, it was the second last. It had been almost five months since I left that day, every day I woke up wanting to see her but every day I knew I’d not be able to convince her to leave that man. I don’t know what’s with women and their idea of love, isn’t is simple to understand that if a man truly loves you he’d never have the strength to raise his hand on you or to abuse you in any way whatsoever?

Love is respecting each other, trying to understand each other and most importantly accepting each other for what we are and not trying to change each other to fit in the idea of perfection.

Five months later… she came to meet me, and that day everything changed. I was in my garden, watering the plants when she suddenly came and hugged me from behind.

 

Flashbacks…

“What happened Khushi?” Arnav asked worriedly as he cupped her face.

“After a certain point, a heart with so many stress fractures can never be anything but broken Arnav… right now it’s not only my heart but I also feel broken.

Do you know what it’s like to give your whole self to a person and your whole heart to boot, until you’ve got nothing left to give, and then realize that it still isn’t what they need?

I did all I could, I changed myself, I accepted him as he was, I allowed him to hit me, to abuse me but nothing of it was ever enough for him to love me.

He just left… that day when you left, he returned back but only to shout at me and ask me millions of questions, I dint keep silent, I gave him answers but I guess they were never enough.

The next morning I woke up and dint find him around, I tried to call him but his phone was out of reach, I tried all I could to contact him, but I just couldn’t.

It’s been so many months now, I’m yet searching for him, but I don’t know where he’s gone. Please tell him to come back Arnav, please.”

“Khushi, don’t you think it’s good that he finally left? Maybe you dint but he did realize that what he was doing to you wasn’t right? I know if he had to leave he should have at least told you about it, but I guess him leaving was the best decision he made”

“Don’t say that Arnav… I loved him… he’s my husband”

“No Khushi, you dint love him, maybe you did but with time, when things changed your love changed too. It’s just that you’ve received so much of pain from him you got habituated to it and now that you aren’t getting it you feel like you need it. You’ve been addicted to that pain, and unless you get it you aren’t going to feel okay”

She moved a step backward silently staring at him, maybe he was right, maybe she was addicted to this pain that without it, nothing felt normal… maybe this pain had become normal for her.

“You know Arnav, I had always wondered why I always hated when my scars started to fade, but now I understand why, maybe it’s because as long as I could still see them, I knew why I was hurting.

Right now I am hurting but the scars and the pain aren’t there, the person who used to give me isn’t there and maybe that’s why I feel like this”

“Khushi listen to me very carefully now. It’s okay to fall in love, it’s okay to love a man with all you have and to give him all you have, but it’s never okay to let him abuse you, it’s never okay to let him control you no matter what. Even if he’s your husband, he has no right to abuse you, not verbally, not emotionally and not physically.

You are very special and I want you to realize your worth. Don’t regret what happened, be happy that he left, be happy that he gave you back your life, be happy that he did for you what you couldn’t do for yourself. You’re different, and you know everyone else loves you, maybe he dint but that doesn’t mean that other people don’t love you or value you, you are worth more than this, and I hope one day you’ll realize this, and you’ll wake up believing you were strong enough and you can live your life without that man.”

“You know Arnav the problem is, when you’re different, sometimes you don’t see the millions of people who accept you for what you are, all you notice is the person who doesn’t.

I don’t know where I was wrong, I don’t know why I was never able to show him how much I loved him or make him love me in return but it would always keep haunting me.

It’s not about me, it’s about my heart, it had a special place reserved for him and that special place would always want it to belong to him, and sometimes, the love from the whole world isn’t enough… if you can get it from just one person, that specific one, then it’s like the love that would fill the entire universe.”

Arnav just stared at Khushi silently, maybe he dint have enough words to explain it to her that it wasn’t wrong to love and expect love in return, it was wrong to love so much until you lost yourself for that someone who dint value you.

“I am not saying that whatever he did to me was right Arnav, and do you think that I never thought of leaving? I did many times, but sometimes my heart stopped me hoping that one day he would change and at times, I stopped myself fearing the society.”

“Now that’s the problem, you are too busy trying to keep others happy that you don’t see you also deserve happiness. We all fear the society so much that we don’t realize our happiness is much more than the society.

Promise me Khushi, whatever you decide from now onwards, whatever step you’d take would only lead you to your happiness and not anything else”

“I promise you Arnav”

Flashback Ends

 

“That was the last time I ever saw her. She promised me her happiness and left, and I was happy knowing that wherever she’d go, she’d stay happy.

Although I was never able to tell her that I was so much in love with her, I always hoped that even if she found someone else to love, she’d be happy but maybe that wasn’t the end to all this.

A few more months passed by when I received the news of her passing away. I couldn’t believe my ears for a while, I couldn’t believe that Khushi was no more, and what I couldn’t believe was that she decided to end her life, that she committed suicide.

When I got the letter she had left behind for me, I realized, there was only on one place where I went wrong, I never told her how much I loved her, at that moment I wished I’d learned long ago how to put into words the feeling that if she was gone, if she ever left, I would cease to exist.

Until now I told you almost everything apart from one thing that I had also hidden from Khushi… and that was that day when I left her apartment, I met her husband outside and we had a talk.

While talking to him, I realized he wasn’t really such a bad person I had taken him to be, he was just unable to control himself… that day I asked him to leave Khushi because I knew Khushi would never be able to leave him.

When I received Khushi’s letter I realize she had found out the reason behind her husband leaving her and she thanked me for doing this to her, but she also said sorry for not being strong enough to take this step for herself.

She mentioned on how much she tried to move on, to live a happy life but eventually she failed, pain had become like a drug to her, and she thought she was never going to be able to live without that pain.

Until today I haven’t been really able to understand why she decided to take that step and I know whatever the reason might be, it wouldn’t be right for such a big step… Maybe she had stayed longer in this, maybe the invisible cuts had gone too deep to heal, there are so many maybe’s but she’s the only one who knows what made her take this step.

That day when I realized she was no more, I decided to write this down, not because it was hurting me and I thought writing it down could make me feel better… I wrote it for all those girls out there who are just like Khushi.

I wanted them to learn to look for their own happiness, I wanted them to leave if they were in any kind of abusive relationship, I wanted them not to care about the society because their happiness lied within themselves and not in making the society happy.

Khushi left, but she taught me a lesson. It’s not okay to be selfless always, maybe she was and that’s why she had to end her life… so I would just want to urge everyone out there, be a little selfish, and find your own happiness, it’s within you and believe me, no other person can make you as happy as you can make yourself.

One last thing before I leave, please don’t ever justify abuse, not any kind of abuse. The person doing it to you might be loving and you so much but they’d still be human and we don’t have control on some things, so don’t let it happen to you. Once it begins, don’t wait for it to end, it’s only going to end if you decide to put an end to it so don’t let the cuts go too deep to heal, just put an end to it and leave!

 




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