The value of old friends

Posted by: KKP   Views: 5258    Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai    Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon    Beintehaa   
Apr 14, 2016

The value of old friends (By KKP)

Posted in Better Living   by Seth Barnes

My mom used to teach us a little song when we were kids:

Make new friends,

But keep the old,

One is silver,

But the other's gold.

Somehow, that has become a deep value for me. I've always sought to hang onto my friends. I was fortunate in college to learn how to make and keep friends with a group of ragamuffins - outliers and outcasts, all of us.

Over the years, we've stayed in touch. We've all gone through hard times. Some of our guys have gotten divorced and some have had difficult marriages. Some of us have had kids who were easy to raise. And others have struggled with children who made parenting a trial.

All of us have needed encouragement. All of us have run short of friends along the way and have found ourselves able to breathe easier in the company of our old friends.

In the wake of the economic downturn of the last five years, many of us feel poorer, but the tragedy is that so many of us fail to prioritize friendships. On average, people have two good friends - a 50% decline from a generation ago.

I'd rather be richer in friends than in investments. It's a theme others have recognized and prioritized over the years. Here are four quotes on friendship I like:

“The capacity for friendship is God's way of apologizing for our families.”

Jay McInerney

“If I've learned anything about friendship, it's to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don't walk away, don't be distracted, don't be too busy or tired, don't take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together.”

Jon Katz

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.”

C.S. Lewis

“It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”

Marlene Dietrich

Do you have friends you could you call up at 4 a.m.? Who of your friends will fight for you? Who will you fight for? What would it take for you to prioritize your friends more than you do?

Apr 14, 2016

How to Set A Boundary With Someone Who Ignores You (By KKP)

by Jenna Ryan, SelfLove

It stinks to be ignored. There are some people who just don't care about you enough to reach out and show you that you matter. Perhaps reaching out, answering your texts, calling back or being normal is too much for that person? 

  • Maybe they like the way you fret over whether or not they're calling. 
  • Maybe they don't want to hear from you.
  • Maybe they don't care to hear from you.
  • Maybe they are focused on themselves. 
  • Maybe they enjoy the attention they get when you're so concerned about their level of mutuality. 
  • Maybe they revel in the way you become anxious to hear from them... 
  • Maybe they like the way you are so eager to hear from them when they finally answer their phone.
  • Maybe they use withdrawal as a way to control you through intermittent reinforcement.
  • Maybe they don't have time for you or the relationship.
  • Maybe they feel threatened by the good stuff that's happening in your life.
  • Maybe they are angry with you and trying to punish you.
Ignoring or the " Silent Treatment" is a form of psychological manipulation that is used to gain power and control. A person who ignores you repeatedly when you reach out in kindness is someone who...

  • Does not respect you.
  • Is trying to manipulate you.
  • Wants to control you.
  • Is exploiting you.
  • Does not care about your feelings.
  • Is pulling a power play.
  • Doesn't want to be vulnerable.
  • Wants to keep the upper hand.  
  • Is selfish.
  • Does not feel the same way about you as you do about them.
  • Does not care about your relationship.
  • Would eventually throw you away if you didn't step-up to communicate again.
  • Is sending a powerful message about your worth directly to your self esteem (unconsciously).
  • Wants to keep you one-down while they stay one-up.
  • Wants you to be their fawn.
  • Wants to keep you like a pet, or a puppet on a string. 
So what do you do when you're in a relationship with someone, or you have deep feelings for someone, or are friends with someone who ignores you? How do you set a boundary?

1. Do not question yourself. If you feel that someone is ignoring you, approach them calmly and moderately. Let them know that what they are doing is causing you to feel uncomfortable, or find out what the situation is to cause the person to be non-responsive. Call them on it directly.

"Jen, when I text you and you don't return my text or phone call, it makes me feel like our relationship is not important to you. Is there something I've done to cause you to withdraw from me? If so, let me know."

You can read other articles about how to set a boundary . Just Google it. The point I am making is that it is your RIGHT and your DUTY to protect yourself from offenses of commission AND offenses of omission. It is your right to be respected at all times. It is not right for anyone to invalidate you by dissing your phone calls, or responding to you intermittently. If this is happening to you, recognize it and put up a boundary for yourself and the other party letting them know that such behavior is not acceptable.

When someone ignores you, they are not meeting your needs. You have the need to be respected, recognized and to be appreciated. Whenever someone plays this game, they are denying you the right to get your needs met, not matter how much you've done for them.  

Being ignored is the ultimate diss. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. When someone doesn't take the time to respond to you, even if just to say, "I'm sorry, I'm busy right now. Will get back with you in a few days," it sends a silent message to your soul. If you're not aware of it, you might take that message in, since we are social creatures. It's important that you stick up for yourself and protect yourself from such messages. You don't deserve to be ignored. How hard is it to send a text?

Fill your life with people who understand and value high-integrity in relationships. No matter who it is that uses the silent treatment on you, set-limits and walk away if necessary. You are too precious to ignore.

Apr 18, 2016

(Last Post on MED) Do emotionless humans exist? (By KKP)

 BY Rob Hutchinson

The idea of a robot-like human being unable to feel emotions might seem like something out of science fiction, but if reading the title of this post brought to mind the idea of a Mr Spock type character from Star Trek then you wouldn’t be far off. This neurological condition has a name, alexithymia, and sufferers are unable to perceive, identify or exhibit emotions. They are also unable to appreciate the emotional motivations of others and may find emotions themselves as needless and irrational. Going back to the idea of the Vulcan race in Star Trek who did not feel emotions, sufferers can appear remarkably like these science fiction creations; likable and intelligent, but completely lacking in emotional responses, humourless and wooden.

How does alexithymia come about? Most cases are neurological, with deficient brain processing shutting down the emotional pathways that process emotion. In other cases it can be a self-defence measure used to cope with severe traumatic events in which the brain shuts down all emotional responses. Some research has mooted that genetics can influence the development of alexithymia, with twin studies suggesting certain individuals can be predisposed to the condition. Alexithymia is not actually classed as a mental disorder. It is only considered a personality trait that puts the person at risk of developing medical or psychological problems in the future. The severity of the condition varies greatly from person to person, which explains why the figure that alexithymia is prevalent in 10% of the general population, although shocking at first, can be understood. Not everyone who has this trait is going to be stoic and machine like.

One of the main problems for those with severe alexithymia lies in decision making. Emotions are highly important in making choices, especially when it comes to life or death decisions. Emotions have evolved to help us survive and in some cases are like a wired in early warning system. Feeling fear at the sight of a snake instinctively makes us jump away. For a more modern situation we could think of a car hurtling right towards us. The fear we feel kicks in straight away and enables us to dodge the car at the last moment. But for alexithymics they lack this emotional response, putting them at risk of making wrong decisions in important situations or slowing down their reactions to dangerous events. In normal life their impeded decision making causes them problems by the lack of emotions they feel. Usually emotions help us prioritize and look after our own self-interests. Lacking this, alexithymics tend to be highly indecisive due to the fact that their mind cannot effectively prioritize what is best or most important for them.

Another serious effect of alexithymia is the inability to form close personal relationships. Interpersonal problems are created because individuals tend to avoid close relationships or engineer relationships in which they are dependant, thereby creating a superficial relationship in which the sufferer can easily carry on with life if he decided one day to ditch all his friends, feeling nothing about his actions. In a 2008 study alexithymia was found to be related to an impairment of the demonstration of affection in relationships. This led to poorer mental health and poorer relationship satisfaction. It is not surprising that results also showed those high on the alexithymia scale showed a lack of altruism towards others and reported themselves as being only slightly affected by seeing others in pain.

Would being an emotionless human provide a better life than the one we have now? You may instinctively answer no to this, but lets think about it. Think of all the emotions you go through everyday, some good and some bad. You would be sacrificing the good but could that outweigh not feeling the bad? All of us at some point will go through heavy emotional blows in our lives and the consequences of these could last years. Many people now going through a particularly tough time would possibly jump at the chance to be emotionless. However, emotions do make us human, and to not feel happiness or passion surely cannot outweigh never having to feel sad or depressed. Answers will be very subjective, and no doubt some people out there who have been through a crippling life event would be desperate not to feel the pain and willing to sacrifice anything to be free from it.

Disclaimer: The views expressed above are member's views and this website does not comply with it. The views expressed may not be factually correct. Incase of any issue please contact us/report it to us.