Irrevocably Yours - Khushi's Diary

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Mar 2, 2012

Irrevocably Yours (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 31 times)

Dear Diary,

What have I done to deserve such grief? Have I unknowingly and somehow unintentionally committed such a grave sin that I am now suffering the punishment for? I look at myself in the mirror time to time and ask questions about the life that I am living, have come to live.

First, I had my parents, my family snatched away from me at a young age of eight when I had only just started to figure out the world. At that moment in my life, I had thought to myself that there could be nothing more hurtful than this...I was shown hope and light when I was taken in by the Gupta's who raised me up, fed me and sheltered me. I was gifted with a father, a mother, an aunt and with a sister, whom I could proudly and happily call my own.

I had never thought that I would cause them such shear sorrow that they would not even want to look at me or speak to me again. But I have, haven't I? After all these years, after everything that they have done for me - I repaid them back in the most horrible way one could imagine, by shaming them. What could I have done though? If I had not married Arnav Ji then I would still be causing them pain as Payal Jiji's marriage would not have taken place - again.

What they do not know, are unaware of is the fact that I have done all of this for them and not for my own selfish reasons. I have always considered them my family so how could I ever even think about hurting them. But I have hurt them and not only them but so many other people like Nani and Anjali Ji too, who had always been so fond of me. I now shudder at the thought of what goes through their minds when they think of me. This now brings me onto that one person, whom because of I am going through all of this mess.

Mister Arnav Singh Raizada.

When I had first met him at that fashion show - accidentally. I never in a million years had thought I would end up marrying him and in such a way. My first impressions of him were that he is this some kind of arrogant, rude and a rich man who thinks of nothing else but his money. This impression of mine of him increased day by day as I worked for him but as I got to know him more, I had begun realise that there is a whole lot more to this man than just his love for money.

My feelings for him and my view of him slowly began to take a u-turn.

Whenever he would be so close to me I would somehow feel as if though I could just stay there in his presence forever. Whenever he would touch me even if it was a tight grip on the arms, or shaking me back and forth whilst having a go at me, I would still stare into those eyes and somehow seem to read a different story altogether. His actions said something else but his eyes would always be speaking the opposite.

I have to admit that I saw this arrogant ego-centric man change. How so? It is simple. Why would that same man, whom I had fallen into the arms of at that fashion show would go out to buy bangles for me. That is something that one needs to conteplate upon when thinking about if this man has ever changed. Oh, when he kissed me on the cheek - it was as if though electric shots were shooting through my body. The placement of that bindi on the mirror...bringing Akash Jiju and Payal Jiji together...being unable to see my tearful eyes, getting angry at seeing tears my eyes. These all reflect the change in him.

He had told me just a few weeks ago that it made a difference to him if anything ever happened to me. So what now, Arnav Ji? Can't you see my tears anymore? Can't you see the pain that I am going through right now? That has been inflected by none other than yourself, Arnav Ji?

I know, I know that there has to be some reason, some logic behind his actions but why can he not just tell me? Maybe if he opened up to me, I could help him...why am I daydreaming? He is never going to open up, he has shown so much hatred towards me these days, I cannot stand it. If only ... things were different.

He use to catch me in his protective arms whenever I would fall...but Arnav Ji, I am falling, I am falling and falling right now further into this mess of a situation but I unable to see your arms ready to catch me..

I had never thought that Arnav Ji would ever stoop so low to resort to blackmailing me into marrying him. I had never thought that he would ever label me as a gold-digger. Gold-digger? Why Arnav Ji WHY?! What have I done...that I am recieving such painful hatred from you? What have I done that you have labelled me as a gold-digger? WHAT IS MY MISTAKE?!

And now...I question myself..after everything that has occured between Arnav Ji and myself, why does my heart still beat at a fast pace when he is around me? Why does my heart yearn to hear beautiful words being used for me by him? Even when I told him to his face that I hate him, why do I still feel this way for him ... after all the grief and pain that he has caused me?

I have figured that there is only one answer to these questions that I keep on addressing myself with, as clearly described by Bella Swan in Twilight - 'I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.'

-Khushi.

To Be Continued...

Mar 2, 2012

disclaimer (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 19 times)

I just wanted to add that these diary entries will be updated as the show progresses - to let out what Khushi may be feeling inside. I really do hope you all enjoy reading this. Don't forget to let me know what you think of this and MOST IMPORTANTLY these diary entries have NOTHING to do with my fanfiction This Love, It Does Wonders. Both are completely different.

Thank you.

-Jasmine x

Mar 6, 2012

Dear Diary... (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 20 times)

Dear Diary,

Why have I yet again been dragged into such a situation. First, I lost my parents then much later on in my life when I thought everything was going my way. That Shyam entered our lives, Babuji falling ill and me being asked to marry Shyam, little did I know at the time of my engagement that my fiance was actually a husband of somebody's. During those moments, it did not feel right to me...the thought of spending the rest of my life with someone I did not even love, killed me but I gave in. Why? Because I am Khushi Kumari Gupta - the girl who always puts everyone else's happiness before her own.

Khushi Kumari Gupta? No, silly. That is not even my name anymore. I am the all famous and rich business tycoon's helpless wife Mrs Khushi Arnav Singh Raizada, more like.

Then I found myself keeping my mouth shut about Shyam's truth for the sake of my family's honour, Payal Jiji's marriage not only them but most importantly for Anjali Ji - whom I respect and love very much. I do so much for everyone and this is what I get back? Being forced into a marriage for no whatever reason. Being asked to get married otherwise my sister's marriage is not going to take place? What kind of justice is this?

Knowing me, I will carry on sacrificing my happiness for those I love. But I deserve to know the truth! I deserve to know at least why I had to marry Arnav Ji. This is my right! But I keep on being unsuccessful everytime. Everytime I begin to question Arnav Ji someone appears, leading Arnav Ji to fake romance me.

Just like today when Arnav Ji was feeding me the Kheer....

Oh Arnav Ji...if these gestures and words towards me were truthful. Oh Arnav Ji...if only you scooped me up in your arms and told me that everything was going to be okay...if only you trusted me enough to enlighten me with the truth. I fear that you may know about myself being engaged to your brother-in-law. But, however many times I think about it, I feel that it is not true because if it was, Arnav Ji would have spoken to me about it, I know he would have. Arnav Ji is not stupid to jump to conclusions like that...but what if he has? He did say I had hurt him. But how? I really want to clear this misunderstanding but I cannot find a way too.

Oh please, God, help me.

What I witnessed today whilst everyone was watching the wedding DvD was the humiliation my Jiji has to face because of her Hello Hi Bye Bye Mother-in-Law. I know that the words of Manorama Maami-ji do not make any difference. But there is a limit! My Jiji's eyes had teared up but no one said anything to Manorama Maami-ji, how is that fair? I wanted to give her a piece of mind but I stopped myself as I do not find myself in any position whatsoever to have a go at anyone.

I feel like it is time for me to take a stand. To raise my voice and tell everyone that Khushi is innocent! Khushi is not a shameless girl who married for her selfishness! I need to show...I need to show Arnav Ji that I do not need anything of his, I need to show him that I can stand up for myself. For how long will I have to go through this? Arnav Ji does not know about the dreams I dreamt about my wedding which he broke, he does not know what was going through inside me when my Buaji refused to take me for the Pag Phere, he does not know how I felt when I was asked to leave my own home...

For how long will I have to endure such hatered towards myself?

Six months?

Six months and then I am out of here as a rejected divorcee? That is what the people in our society are going to label me as, right?

I do not deserve such treatment. If only Arnav Ji understood me, if only Arnav Ji knew that even after all this...deep inside my heart I love him so much.

If only...

To Be Continued...

Mar 11, 2012

Dear Diary... (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 18 times)

Dear Diary,

It is funny how Arnav Ji can stoop to such a low level as to even think about getting his brother divorced, let alone making Akash Ji sign on them! I saw the trust that Akash Ji has in his brother Arnav Ji. How can Arnav Ji manipulate that trust? How can he even think about doing such a thing? Does he not fear of the consequences that would take place due to his actions when everything eventually comes out in the open. Does he not care about the love that his brother feels for my sister ...

Finally, I had thought I would get my answers from him but little did I know that Arnav Singh Raizada -ji, now my husband for the next six months would start to play another dirty vile game with me. Forget about me! With his own brother's feelings! And what was wrong with Akash-Ji...could he not read the papers himself? Does he have to do EVERYTHING that his heartless brother tells him to do? Thank you God for getting me back on time at the Raizada Mansion - otherwise what would have occured it would have tarnished my sister's life, yet again.

I cannot believe the trust and faith that is shown by everyone else towards Arnav Ji - if only they knew the truth about him. How he blackmailed me into marrying him. If only I, for one, knew the truth.

Silly me, I had started to believe that Arnav-Ji had changed, I thought that I had started to see a new different more caring person in him. But I was wrong. Arnav-Ji proved me wrong - how he helped me win in the sangeent function, how he bought those bangles for me, how he showed so much concern for me at the very thought of me being hurt...it seems as if though it was all fake, a charade that he put on for some reason still unknown to me. But, I do not want to think of Arnav-Ji pretending to be caring, I want to think of those moments and cherish them in my heart forever. I want to..

Oh, I curse myself for being such a fool. After everything that is happening in my life, I still want to be with him, love him? Maybe this is what it feels like to be really in love. Once you are in it, it is like you are trapped and your way out is blocked. I feel like that ... the more I say I hate him ... the more I get angry at his actions and words ... the more I seem to fall for him.

I laugh when I think of the time when I threw water at Arnav-Ji. Fortunately, his clients, colleagues got to see their boss in such a state too. That is what happens when you mess with an innocent girls' feelings.

I do not know how I am going to cope in these six months, whether or not I will be able to find the true real reason that led to Arnav-Ji blackmailing me into marrying him is still yet another mystery for me to solve.

I have this raging urge within me wanting to tell someone the catastrophic situation that I am stuck in. But I fear that whatever step that I decide to take may affect my Payal Jiji's life and marriage. My life has turned dull, colourless ... with the celebration of Holi soon approaching ... I do wonder whether or not the colours will be sprayed ... showered ... back into my life.

I can now only pray and hope for the best.

-Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada <<< Ha! Arnav-Ji may not realise it but he HAS accepted me as his wife by using my new full name several times.

-Khushi.

Mar 18, 2012

Dear Diary (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 15 times)

Dear Diary,

Oh what a Holi it has been! My head is still hurting a little from all the bhaang that I had managed to consume. I had never drank bhaang ever in my life and I was planning not too but Anjali-Ji...oh no sorry Di tricked me into it. So many things occurred during this celebration. I found out about Naani-Ji's love for playing Holi but also came to know that she was not going too because of what Arnav-Ji and I did. At that very moment, the guilt had began to erupt inside me and I felt like shouting to everyone that it is not my fault as I do not even know myself why I married Arnav-Ji. But obviously, I could not for the sake of my Payal Jiji.

I also had to break my promise to my Gulak Ji for Payal-Jiji. I can do anything for my sister.

The thought of Shyam placing the colour upon my face shudders me immensely. He tried to in front of Anjali-Di because he knew that I was unable to say something in front of her but thankfully at the last moment I made an excuse and walked away from there. Walking away from there but mind was still stuck in the place. The very horrible thought of his hands touching my face...ugh...I have really had enough of his tactics, if only I could do something about it and teach him a good lesson that he would be unable to forget for the rest of his life.

One of the most important moments of Holi for me this year has to be gaining the forgiveness from my family. When Amma placed the colour on me and hugged me...I do not even have the right words to express how I was feeling at that time, I had a tinge inside me when I looked at Buaji - for a slight moment I had thought that she would stay angry with me but what can I say Buaji loves me very much! Thus staying angry with me for longer was not even in her thoughts!

My main priority was getting Naani-ji to play Holi like she always does every year, so I thought of a way to cheer her up. It was risky, but I being Khushi Kumari Gupta now Singh Raizada did not mind taking another risk. I performed to O Meri Zohrajabi pretending to be Naani-Ji's late husband Nana-Ji. When I had finished and when I had seen the reaction on Naani-ji's face I felt like Oops maybe it was a mistake and not a good risk to take. But Naani-Ji proved me wrong and forgave me, at that moment it really did feel like that this Holi was showering back the colours into my life.

Oh that Shyam tried again to place the colour on me this time in front of everyone! Has he no shame left in himself? He raised his hands and I closed my eyes ready to feel the touch of his fingers on my face but I did not...opening my eyes later I found Arnav-Ji standing in front of me with his hand on Shyam's wrist. Arnav-Ji had refrained him....and began to place the colour on me...the touch of Arnav-Ji's hand carressing my face, I wish we could be able to stay in that moment forever and always and no one could disturb us but obviously that was not possible.

I was told that Arnav-Ji never played Holi and that I had too place the colour upon his face. I hesitated, knowing how Arnav-Ji is but I did manage to eventually place it on him and he did not even flinch, not one slightest bit when my hand touched his face. But then why would he? In front of the world we both are a happy married couple. The world is unaware of what goes on in our bedroom when door is closed.

After drinking the bhaang I cannot really recall what happened but I am still thinking hard and trying my best to remember and I know after a little while it will come back to me. I really need to know as after watching the Holi video Anjali-Di had asked both myself and Arnav-Ji that where did we both go? That question just keeps coming back to me....where did I and Arnav-Ji go...and...most importantly what did we do? After drinking the bhaang did I somehow unknowingly tell Arnav-Ji how I felt about him?

And one other thing....after coming back to my senses...what was Shyam going on about that Anjali-Di was right after all and that whatever was in my heart had come out because of the bhaang?

I feel that this Holi not only it has somehow managed to spray some but not all colours back into my dull turned life but it has also managed to raise further important questions that really need to be answered.

-Khushi.

Mar 25, 2012

Dear Diary (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 10 times)

Dear Diary,

I am no longer just Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada, a daughter, a sister, a friend or just a wife but now I can proudly shout out loud and say that I am Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada - The Businesswoman! After all having married a businessman (even though its only for six months) it was bound to have some affect on me, right? All this excitement of myself starting a business "KKGSR Dhabaa Service" does not mean I have forgotton what I have been forced to go through by Arnav Ji.

In all honesty, I think Arnav Ji really did cross the limit the other day when he switched the medicines. It gave Maami-Ji an opportunity to throw out my Payal Jiji out of the house. Then acting as the hero, Arnav Ji came rushing down and said the medicines were switched by mistake - it was just a stupid misunderstanding. Who does he think he is? First he hatches the plan and then resolves it acting as the hero? Uff. And only because of the fact that I fought with him about going to the bathroom? Mister Arnav Singh Raizada Ji why are you doing this?

Will I have to endure this for the next following months? I do not think so because I have formed such an awesome plan that Arnav Ji will have no choice but to tell me to leave himself.

100 ways to irritate Arnav Singh Raizada!

1) Ruin his sleep - SUCCESSFUL!

2) Rule over the bathroom - SUCCESSFUL!

3) Take over his wardrobe - SUCCESSFUL!

4) Bedroom take over - SUCCESSFUL!

And the list is still pending!

The reason behind my business? Well, I need to return the 300 Rupees Loan that I took from Arnav Ji for Holi! It seems to me as if though he does not remember about it as he offered to give me more money in order for me to stop my business but what if he does? That is the problem, if Arnav Ji does remember then I have to get the money back to him as soon as possible - I do not want to be like...like...like that person whom Arnav Ji was getting angry over who still had yet to return the money to him or the company. Arnav Ji seemed very angry but thankfully it reminded me of the loan that I took from him.

Thank you God! It was a sign from You, I just know it!

Starting this business will not only help me return the money to Arnav Ji but will also help me to show Arnav Ji that Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada kisi se kum nahi hai! (is no less than anyone) SHE too can run a business just like YOU! The employees at the office were not the only one to love my food! But of course, their karoos boss too! Oops, sorry my Husband - more like. Arnav Ji loved the taste of the food that I cooked! He was licking his fingers! First, he had shown attitude but hey an empty stomach can make you go crazy...

Ugh.

That Shyam is getting uncontrollable these days....that day when he came into the kitchen...gave me the creeps but I taught him a lesson to not mess with me. I wish I could have done much worse but I have to still keep in mind that he is the Son-in-Law of this Raizada Household making him the Husband of Anjali-Di. Everyone in this house loves him so much (well, except for myself and Payal Jiji who hate him passionately).

Whilst I was massaging Anjali-Di's head, the remarks that were coming out of his mouth...and the way he was staring at me! Does he have no shame left? Does he have no self-respect? Can't he see that he has a beautiful wife who loves him dearly and cares for him a lot? Does it not drill into that brain of his that his wife is pregnant and that he is going to be a father soon? One questions bugs me immensley, how can one person act so inhumanely? Seriously, it is getting out of hand. He should cherish and value what he already has rather than just going after somebody else. Especially when that someone (me) is now married.

I wish I could warn Anjali-Di about him. He does not deserve to have such a loving and caring wife in his life. I wish I could open up and let out everything that is burning up inside me. I wish I could tell Arnav Ji and warn him too. Well, there are many things that I wish I could do ... but obviously cannot and will not because this is my life and this is the way I have to live it.

-Khushi (The BusinessWoman)

Mar 31, 2012

Dear Diary... (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 14 times)

Dear Diary,

How can Arnav Ji think that I would do something to hurt Anjali Di? I look at the bruise on my arm and it just reminds me of the words that had come out his mouth the other day that he would let me do such a thing to Anjali Di. But what I am having a hard time to understand and digest is that why would he think such a think or even bring such words to his mouth, does he not know about the love and respect that I have within me for Anjali Di? And it is getting so hard these days to figure Arnav Ji out! One moment he is in a different mood and the next the completely opposite. Well, one thing is for sure that I have decided not to waste my tears on him anymore. So I won't!

I have to be very careful as I do not know what to expect from him anymore.

I look at him and then I look at this Raizada Family that I am going to be a part of for the next couple of months, the Raizada's minus Arnav Ji are so loving and caring. Okay, yes time to time Manorama Maami Ji does not seem so loving or caring but that does not matter. What matters to me is that when the honeymoon trip to Bali was cancelled because of Arnav Ji, of course, they all came up with such an amazing and a beautiful idea to bring Bali right here in the Raizada House.

Who does that these days?

What hurts me the most is that they did this in order for Akash Jiju, Payal Jiji, Arnav Ji and I to pretend that we are on our honeymoon, I am sure that if they ever found out about the true relationship that I actually have with Arnav Ji - it would hurt them immensley. What Arnav Ji does not know that leaving me out he is playing with his own family member's feelings. How is he going to justify that later on?

Oh! When I saw that fire in the room, I could not control myself, I started to panic like crazy I was more worried for Arnav Ji than I was myself! Was I born to be this sort of a person? I mean, to always think of everyone before myself? It seems to me as if though I was born with this within me because no matter how hard that I try to get rid of it I just cannot seem too. There have been many times where I have stood in front of the mirror and told myself even promised myself that enough is enough! But then again I find myself back to square one.

Arnav Ji seemed really cute when he could not speak, though I felt really guilty because he had lost his voice because of me but what did I know. I did not know that not only he is diabetic but also is allergic to agar bati! He is the first person that I have come across whom is allergic to such a thing. Arnav Ji should have told me before getting married to me even if it is not for even a year but still he should have informed me, given me a list stating what technical problems that his body has to face and what should be done to prevent such things.

For a moment, I had thought that Arnav Ji would be thankful towards me because I had saved AR Designs from those two criminals. But no! Instead, I had to ask HIM for forgiveness in front of everyone, in front of public by going up and down, up and down with my hands on both of my ears. How is that fair? Well, to be honest I had to do it because I did not want to get in trouble with that officer and of course did not want Arnav Ji to face a problem that may effect his reputation, I mean he would have had to go to the police station and that would effected his reputation RIGHT? Or am I just exaggerating? Oh I do not know anything anymore!

So, Buaji's nuska did after all work out! Arnav Ji had lied but I had gotten the truth out of him! But what I still do not understand is why Arnav Ji did not want me to get the credit for bringing his voice back. I do not want any credit, I had just wanted to get him better, to make him feel well again. Why, Arnav Ji are you doing this to me? You do know, that I am not a robot, right? That I am a living human being with a beating heart? With such a heart that helplessly beats for only you these days...

-Khushi.

Apr 7, 2012

Dear Diary.. (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 11 times)

Dear Diary,

The tragic beautiful love story of Heer Ranjha..a few days ago if someone had questioned to me as what had happened with Heer and Ranjha... I would not have had an answer to give. Even though, still I am unaware of each event in detail that took place in their lives, I can still say that I have got a slight gist of it.

A man and a woman in love whom were seperated due to Heer's family. But finally when everything seemed to have taken a positive turn in their lives and with their wedding day fast approaching, what feelings must have been rushing within those two and then when their big day had officially arrived both met their death.

There is no and can never be a Heer without her Ranjha nor a Ranjha without his Heer.

This epic love story shall be planted in my heart forever now as I have had to play the role of Heer. It is sad that such a beautiful love story had such a heart-breaking end to it. And now I question myself...what will happen with me? What will happen to my love story? The way in that this question should really be asked as...Do I even have a love story? For so long I have thought that this love for Arnav Ji that I have felt and feel is one sided but now...but now I cannot think that way...

Arnav Ji had played the role of my Ranjha even though he said that he did it for Naani and his family, even though he said that he only did it to win - I refuse to believe it. I refuse to believe the denial coming from Arnav Singh Raizada -Ji. He will never accept that he did this for me and I am not going to pester him further about it because it is no use with him! He is unfortunately for me stuck in his own world which is exploding with his ego that never seems to decrease.

Why do I refuse to believe him?

Simple.

Neither myself nor Arnav Ji knew the lines of Heer Ranjha - we improvised. I know that I improvised through my heart. At that very moment, on stage whatever that was coming out of my mouth..I am, unlike Arnav Ji not afraid to admit that I was saying exactly what my heart was feeling. It was as if though ... my brain had lost its control over my tongue and my heart took over completely. I am not ashamed to admit this at all but then again why should I be? Why should I ever be ashamed of what I feel?

That is what I was trying to explain to Arnav Ji I know what he said on stage were not the words of Ranjha but the words of Arnav Singh Raizada!

"Whenever I said or did bad things to you they mean nothing"

"I cannot live nor be without you"

What am I suppose to say to that now? What am I suppose to think? Arnav Ji had no clue of what Ranjha said or did, so what am I expected to think when I hear those types of sentence flowing out of his mouth? Surely, what Arnav Ji was saying on stage had a meaning to it...

"Without you I am..."

Several times, I had questioned but he refuses to admit that those were his lines and not Ranjha's. He cannot and will not fool me. One thing that I do not still understand is the fact that if he hates me so much just like he says he does then why can he not just let me fall, why can he not just let go of my hand and let me get hurt? After all, according to him I have hurt him a lot. So why not let me feel the pain? I am feeling it emotionally Arnav Ji just let me feel it physically now. I will not complain, I am use to it by now.

From you Arnav Ji and from that Shyam.

I am getting sick of all this! On one side I have Arnav Ji creating situations like riddles for me to solve and on the other Shyam whom tries touch me at every chance he gets. When he had grabbed hold of my wrist, I could have slapped him across his face with my free hand but why..why should I get my hands dirty by touching his filthy face?!

Arnav Ji, you have no idea what is raging inside me, you have no idea what I have bottled up. I am reaching to a point where I think that if I do not find solutions to my problems - I will have a break down.

How can a person be so different with people? He showers nothing but hatred upon me but with his Di he has nothing but love and care for. What have I done to deserve all this grief? I have written this before but I will write it again and again and again! Have I somehow unknowingly and unintentionally committed such a grave sin that now I am receiving the punishment for? Arnav Ji does not like my presence, he does not like to see my face so I will not show it to him. I will stay away...

But how long is Arnav Ji going to run away from reality? How long is he going to hide the reason of our marriage from me? He will have to tell me one day so why can he not just tell me and get it over with?

-Khushi.

Apr 8, 2012

Dear Diary..A Poem for Arnav Ji (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 8 times)

Dear Diary...

A Poem for Arnav Ji ....

You make every reason to deny love

You say things that only hurt the heavens above

Why do you insist that love never stay

When love beckons at your door; you turn away

*

Your heart and mind must be confused

So full of anger, disgust, and ruse

Love attempts to nurture in your heart

You unequivocally deny love before it start

*

You blame others and your circumstance

That love will never truly advance

What you seek you will never find

Unless true love is the goal to keep in mind

-Khushi.

*Credit for the poem goes to its original author.

Apr 14, 2012

Dear Diary... (By Jasmine_X) (Thanked: 8 times)

Dear Diary,

Well what can I say? Well...what can I write? Arnav Ji and the way his brain works! I spent the whole night awake tending to him, making sure that he is alright. I do not think that I even slept a wink. After all, the guilt had taken over me, I thought that I was the cause of Arnav Ji really becoming ill. I should have not eaten so much..I should have given him his medication as soon as he reached home.

I felt so guilty that I decided that I will completely take care of him - even though now and then he refused to take help from me, but what could I do? I felt responsible and after all, I was just fulfilling my role of dutiful wife. Me being caring towards Arnav Ji had nothing to do with what I had started to do the previous day, with calling him swami ji and that act. I had really become so worried for him, when he fainted, I became confused and I just did not know what to do.

All night, I spent cursing myself for being so careless and that I should have kept in mind that he is diabetic. What was the point of all this tension I recieved. Arnav Ji just told me he had faked it! Faked it all! Only to get back at me for what I was doing to doing, annoying him with my role as dutiful wife...

But did he not even think what will go through the rest of the family when they will see him in such a state? I thought I was going to start having a panic attack...what a fool I had been.

Maybe, that is why he slipped over this morning, God punished him for lying and faking getting ill.

We had a new arrival in the house.

Miss B!

Her name is actually Bubbly and she is 9 years old. She is so cute! She is only 9 but she talks as if though she is older than all of us. The atmosphere in this house has completely changed with her arrival. Bubbly is so...well what can be the right word...she is so bubbly! I absolutely love and adore children - they so sweet and innocent. They are like little angels to me.

Oh that reminds me!

I have started to tutor children again, I had my first session with them the other day and we did the story of Sundhari and the Shaitaan. The children started to call me by the name of Sundhari and Arnav Ji Shaitaan! The Shaitaan in the story turns out to be Sundhari's Rajkumaar. She begins to wonder how can one being be completely different, have two opposite sides to himself? I had begun to wonder too myself but when I looked at Arnav Ji, instantly the answer came into my mind. Purely because Arnav Ji is a living, walking, talking and breathing example.

Arnav Ji also has two completely different versions to himself - one moment he is all loving and caring towards the others and within moments, minutes even seconds he will change and shower hatred and ill words upon me. Well, what can I do about it? Nothing, I will have endure this for the next couple of months...my own heart has begun to feel sorry for me.

Oh! Who am I kidding! After all, I am the one and only Khushi Kumari Gupta Singh Raizada! I do not give up that easily, Arnav Ji may have won this time round but he will be unable too the next time and I will make sure of it! Arnav Ji, now I do feel sorry for you ... as you have no idea what I have in store for you, my pati parmeshwar, oh swami ji.

-Khushi.

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